There's a saying that goes along the lines of "Life is what happens while you're waiting for it to start". Sometimes, I wonder if my life is just slipping by whilst I'm looking in the other direction, trying to figure out what it's all about.
Human beings have this fundamental belief that we are all in control of our own lives. And to a certain degree this is true - we can decide what actions to take in particular situations and how to handle events that we find ourselves in. I don't really believe in the idea of fate or destiny - that our lives are predetermined by some higher power.
But, every now and then, I seem to 'wake up' from the daily grind and wonder "How the hell did I get here?" I wonder how I ended up in this particular situation, with this person, in this country, with this job and having to deal with this boss. I don't remember signing up for this, so how did it happen.
I wonder if someday I'll 'wake up' and I'll be 50 with three kids and a house and a car and stuff, and wonder "When did this all happen?" Is it just me who feels like this? That sometimes life is like a dream and that, whilst I'm the one making the decisions and taking the actions, there's something else out there that's guiding it all along? Some higher form of... something... that's whispering in my ear "marry that man, buy this car, live in that area, take this job, call your child this name". Some might call that "advertising" and maybe they're right.
I met a couple in their 60's at the weekend, and they'd been married for about 30 years or so. They seemed like a very happy couple and very contented with their lives. But the woman confided to me at one point that inside she still feels like she's about 20. I know what she means. I'm only 28 (! nearly 30!) but inside I still feel as confused about life as I was when I was 16.
It seems like life has become so much more complicated and busy that we all get too bogged down in the minute details, and never take the time to look at the bigger picture. I think life was so much simpler when I was younger. When I was 16, I was able to look forward to life. I could sit back and think about "what I want to be when I grow up". The possibilities seemed endless.
Nowadays, there's so much crap that people have to worry about. Are my family ok? Do my friends all get along with one another? Is this person that I'm sharing my bed with the person that I want to spend my life with? Were the clothes on my back made in a sweatshop? Were animals tortured to test the mascara that I'm wearing. Will the food that I eat choke the planet with exhaust fumes from the delivery trucks? Is my job really advancing my career? Will my boss give me that pay raise next month? What's my credit rating like? Will I be able to get a mortgage? Will I ever be in a position to buy a property? Where will I buy it? If I move to California, will I miss my family and friends? If I don't go to the gym today, will I put on weight? If my car gets a puncture, can I afford to get it repaired? Will I be able to pay my bills this month? And so on and so forth.
We get so bogged down in the minute details of everyday life, that life just slips by. We find ourselves in situations that we had never envisaged when we were younger. If someone had told me, aged 16, that this is where I'd be and this is what I'd be doing, I would have laughed in their faces. A big nervous disbelieving laugh.
I remember a previous summer job that I had, and there were a couple of people who worked there full time, and they used to live from week to week. All they ever seemed to think about was "get through this week, and then it's the weekend". And they never seemed to be able to see beyond the next weekend. I remember being horrified and thinking I'd rather hang myself than fall into that trap. And yet, here I am. Maybe not living from week to week, but not far off it. It's so hard to think in terms of the future. Where will I be in 5 years? Who fucking knows. I can hardly think in terms of where I'll be in five weeks.
Life seems so transient now. People have become so demanding. We want everything now. Instant gratification. But... what happens after that? Do we ever really think through the ramifications of our actions? Or what we want to do with our lives?
I have a couple of secret ambitions - huge, epic goals that I've always wanted to achieve. But they seem so ridiculous in this day and age. People used to dedicate their lives to a single cause before, be it climbing Mount Everest or finding a cure for cancer or whatever. Do people actually do that any more? Or has this new celebrity/wealth/status/instant gratification culture destroyed our interest in anything more than the here and now?
I don't know what the point of this blog is. Random thoughts, I guess. Just trying to sort my head out. Am I the only one who thinks about this kind of stuff?
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