The pilot eventually shut up, and we only had to sit on the tarmac for another ten minutes or so before he started driving over towards the runway. Of course, because we were so late taking off, we had missed our scheduled take-off window, and had to sit there watching all the other planes take off for sunnier climes before we were allowed go.
Finally, hurtling down the runway at over 100 miles an hour, I began to relax. I picked up my book and started reading. The sound of the wind rushing past drowned out the sounds of quiet chatter from the other passengers, and I snuggled down into my seat, delighting in the fact that for the next forty minutes or so, I could read uninterrupted.
And then the trolley dollies started making their announcements.
"Please remain seated... blah...."
"We will shortly begin our snack service.... blah blah....."
"We have a range of duty free..... blah blah blah....."
Of course, all announcements are made in some Eastern European accent which, I'm sorry to say, is difficult to understand at the best of time, let alone when it's at ear splitting volume. I've noticed that PA systems on airplanes have only two volumes - the barely audible mutter and the ear-bleed-inducing piercing screech. And the trolley dollies always seem to use the latter.
I always find it quite funny when you see these trolley dollies, on the short-haul flights, trying to flog as much booze/tea/coffee/sandwiches/snacks/duty-free as possible in thirty minutes. As soon as the plane is in the air, they're up out of their seats, getting their trollies ready. Then they whip up the aisles asking "Any drinks or snacks? Any drinks or snacks?" but not actually watching the passengers to see their reactions. I don't know how many times I've thought "Oh, I could murder a cup of tea and a Twix" and then tried, in vain, to get the dollies attention before they speed walk past my row. I've only ever managed to catch the guy's attention once. I've since given up.
Incidentally, the 'hot' drink selection only has two options also - it's always either luke warm or scalding. Anyway, if they do deign to look at you, as soon as they've handed you the cup, they're on their way back down the aisle, clearing up as "We're now ready for landing." So you have to neck back the scalding cup of tea whilst the trolley dolly stands beside you, tapping her foot with impatience, waiting for you to hand her your empty cup. But, wait! Before we land we'd like to offer you a chance to purchase some of our fantastic duty-free perfumes or booze, or maybe you'd like a scratch card? There's plenty of time for that! Ever heard a north-Dublin trolley dolly trying to sell J-Lo's new perfume? No? It's worth taking a trip on Ryanair for that alone.
Let's hope her salary isn't commission based.
But I digress.
The pilot, in fairness to him, made up some of the lost time and the flight only took about 40 minutes in total. Before long, we were beginning our descent into Southampton. The descent was surprisingly smooth, considering the massive thunder and lightening storms around the whole of Southampton. So I was really, really surprised when the pilot then whalloped the plane down onto the tarmac. I'm sure it must have been his first time landing a plane. There's no other excuse for such recklessness. I could have done it better myself, and I'm a girl! All around us, people gasped and gripped their arms rests with white knuckles, and I'm not ashamed to say I was doing the same. That was one of the worst landings I've experienced in a while.
Is it just me, or have airlines decided not to bother training their pilots how land airplanes anymore?
Anyhoo, two days later, I'm back at the airport for my return flight. I got to the airport about two hours early, but figured I'd connect to the wireless network and waste some time on Myspace, have a beer, etc. Southampton airport is pretty small, and once you've checked in, the only place to go to is the departures lounge. There's not a whole lot else to do there.
So, I went through security with no problems (*gasp!* I know! But I never have any problems in S'ton! Weird, innit? Hmm...) and looked around for the wireless 'hot spot'. And there it was, upstairs, right below the huge glass skylights with the sun beaming down through them. Somebody really didn't think that through when designing the place.
"Let's see.... where could we put the computer corner? Oh, I know! Let's put it over here in direct sunlight so none of the nerds can see their laptop screens! What a great idea! And when they go to sit down, they'll scorch their cord-covered arses on the really hot metal seats! Hahahah, fuckin' nerds....!"
On second thoughts, perhaps they knew exactly what they were doing.
Anyway, before I got my computer all hooked up, I decided to get a beer as it was really hot that day, and the old air conditioning wasn't really up to much. I went upstairs to the restaurant-type place, and queued for about five minutes. When I got to the counter, I ordered my beer, which came to £3.80. I handed the lady my company credit card (natch) to pay for it, and she then informed me that there's a £4 minimum when paying with plastic. Why? There just is. But I'm only 20p under. Sorry, ma'am, no can do.
So I had to hold up the entire rest of the sweating, hungry, cranky queue whilst I searched for something to add to my beer to bring the total up to, or beyond, £4. Didn't feel like eating anything (remember kids, eating is cheating!), but eventually I found a bottle of water, paid for my drinks, and scurried away before anyone tried to poke me in the eye with a fork. Having thought about it, perhaps I should have just ordered another beer. Damnit brain!
The plane was only delayed by half an hour this time. My taxi driver only got lost twice on the way from the airport to my house. He insisted that he knew all these shortcuts, and I didn't complain as the taxi was paid for by the company. But I did get a bit pissed off when he, yet again, I told him to go straight on, but he insisted on taking a right as "it's waaaaaay quicker than going straight on". Then we'd get to a junction and he'd turn around, eyeball me impatiently and say "Well, where do I go now?" I swear, I was beginning to think the whole trip was one big Candid Camera set-up.
And, do you know what the best part of all of this is? Can you guess? Yep, I get to do it all over again next week! Woo hoo!
Ok, that's out of my system now. Regularly scheduled programming will resume tomorrow.
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