Yes, by now we've all established that it's Friday the 13th. Unlucky for some. Including the poor dead dog lying across the motorway on my way to work this morning. As I drove past, I swear it was looking me right in the eye. Creepy.
Anyhoo, most people associate Friday the 13th with horror films and whatnot, so I thought I'd write a random blog about all the horrible things that I like.
1. Horror films - I've already written about this one. If it's got kids or religion (or religious kids, or anti-christs) in it, it's guaranteed to scare the bejaysus out of me.
Even when it's completely predictable - when you see the nubile young chick wearing nowt but a wet nightie climbing up the stairs to the attic, in the dark, with only a candle that flickers dangerously, threating to snuff it, with the music building in the background, creating tension and atmosphere, even when we know the serial killer with the hooks for hands is in the attic, and there's thunder and lightening outside... even then, when he strikes, even when I've known all along that it's going to happen, I'll still jump about three feet in the air.
My overactive imagination runs riot during these kinds of flicks.
Also, psychological thrillers give me a good scare ;)
2. Stephen King - The master of horror. When I was a kiddie, I read most of his stuff. Avidly. My parents were worried that I'd turn into some kind of nutjob (they're so proud of me now!). I didn't read all of his works, however, and so I'm currently discovering some little gems that had, up until now, escaped my attention.
At the moment I'm reading The Talisman, which is incredible, and I'm finding it difficult to put it down. Even now, I wish I was reading it. Well, even now I wish I was at home pulling my toenails off with tweezers and dipping my feet in salt water. Anything other than work.
My favourite King books would have to be It, The Dark Half, The Stand, Thinner, Pet Semetary and The Dark Tower series (except for the last book).
3. German Shepherds - Also known as Alsations. I think these are beautiful dogs. I know they'd probably savage you as soon as look at you, but I love them and I want one. No, two! I'd call one Germy and one Sheppy. Of course, I'd have to train it properly and teach it that children do not, in fact, taste like chicken. But I'd be willing to do that. And I think having to walk the damn thing twenty miles a day would keep me fit.
Unfortunately, the dead dog I saw this morning on the motorway was a German Shepherd, so I was quite upset as his glassy dead eyes penetrated my soul and told me I was next if I didn't put my fog lights on. Poor Germy.
4. Heavy metal music - The louder the better, in my opinion. I love going to gigs where the music is so loud it feels like someone's thumping your lungs with a jackhammer. Loud, dirty, sexy, sweaty, grinding music. All hail the power chord.
But, I don't like any of that weirdo death metal stuff. I'm not a freak, damnit.
5. Bikers - Possibly connected to the above point (duh), I have a certain fondness for bikers. Not so much that I actually want to spend any intimate time with them, but I kind of admire their hard drinkin', hard ridin', don't-feel-a-need-to-wash-daily, aren't-i-the-coolest-fucking-thing-you've-ever-seen, look-at-the-length-of-my-beard-for-jeebus'-sake! kind of attitude.
Remember that film with Cher when she had the kid with the messed up face, and she hung out with a biker gang all the time? Can't remember the name of the film... Anyhoo, that's the kind of gang I'd like to hang out with. Wild, but caring. Alcoholics, but sensitive. Ha!
Sometimes I wish I owned a bike. I dream about giving the two fingers to "the establishment" and "the man" and "my job", and tearing up the highway, wind blowing in my hair, bottle of Jack Daniels in my pocket. But then I remember how much I enjoy being clean, and so I know it wouldn't work.
6. Biker bars - Consequently, I like biker bars, because they're an innovative combination of the above two horrible loves of mine. Loud music and dirty bikers. Usually comes with an impressive array of 'cycles out the front, upon which I can gaze and admire. Batteries not included.
I went to a great biker bar in San Francisco once. I remember sitting in the beer garden out the back, surrounded by bikers and ladies with huge fake boobs, pitchers of beer and plates of nachos, looking up at the stars and thinking "I'm in heaven!"
Ah, happy days.
7. Dead baby jokes - I still find these hilarious. Some of my favourites:
Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby in a clown costume!
Q: How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
A: The dog plays with it more.
Q: What's worse than finding 7 dead babies in 1 trash can?
A: Finding 1 dead baby in 7 trash cans.
Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!
I know, I know. I'm going to hell.
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