Kate Moss needs a wash

I'm not having a good week.

So far, my laptop has suffered from a hard disk failure and my desktop computer at home seems to be going through a mid-life crisis and will only show me a GRUB command line when I switch it on. To those of you who don't speak computer, that basically means "A Big Pain in the Ass".

*sigh*

Added to which, I've just been roped into working on a big legal project at work which I have been trying to avoid like the plague for the past few months. But they finally caught me. And that makes me sad.

But what's really annoying me this week is this: jeans. Specifically, skinny jeans. Like these:

I went shopping for jeans last Friday. I went to the Manchester Shopping Mecca (a.k.a. The Trafford Center) with the sole intention of purchasing a new pair of jeans. I was willing to spend a bit of money, for I have finally come to the realisation that there is a BIG difference between buying a cheap pair of jeans that just... don't... seem... to fit... right, and spending a bit more money on good quality jeans that fit perfectly.

The Trafford Center is disgustingly incredible. It's what ancient Rome would have looked like if Las Vegas puked all over it. And threw some palm trees in for good luck. It's all marble pillars and neon signs and just incredibly, beautifully, headache-inducingly tacky. I love it. But I can only go there about three times a year or otherwise my credit card starts sobbing. As does my boyfriend. And my feet.

Anyhoo, I started at one end of the mall and systematically worked my way through each shop, looking for a pair of jeans. And I discovered that apparantly we're only allowed wear skinny jeans now, for clothing manufacturers have decided that any other type of jean is just crap, and we have to do what the clothing manufacturers tell us because it's the law.

Every bloody shop I went in to just had row after row of these stupid skinny jeans. Oh sure, each row varied slightly - here's one with high waisted jeans (who wears these? Seriously?), here's one with ultra-low rise jeans, here's one with jeans made of velcro or something that looks slightly wet so you look like you're wearing leather trousers but guess what? You're not! But all the jeans were skinny - not a boot cut in sight.

Now, I don't like skinny jeans. At all. Partly because, unless you're borderline anorexic, skinny jeans make you look fat. They're one of the most unforgiving items of clothing I've ever seen, and unfortunately, I've seen a lot of unforgiving clothes. They just make people look unbalanced, like they've got huge bodies and little chicken legs. Unless, of course, you're anorexic in which case you simply look like a beanpole.

But more than this, I hate skinny jeans because anyone who wears them looks like they're trying to imitate that skanky crack whore Kate Moss. Kate Moss has ruined fashion for me. Everything she wears immediately turns into "This Season's Must Have!!!" and suddenly the streets are lined with clone after clone, dressed in skinny jeans and vest, with manky hair, bad eyeliner and a junkie boyfriend hanging out of their shoulder.

Why is this woman being hailed as a fashion icon when, as a matter of fact, all she does is wear a variation of the same bloody thing every day?

Anyhoo, I've ranted about this before so I'm not going to do it again. Suffice to say that Kate Moss has ruined so many items of clothing. Want to wear a waistcoat? Can't - you'll just look like a Kate Moss wannabe. Want to wear a minidress? Can't - you'll just look like a Kate Moss wannabe. Want to wear wellies at a festival? Can't - you'll just look like a Kate Moss wannabe.

And other such annoyances.

So, back to the original story which was... oh yes, jeans. As I may have mentioned, I don't like skinny jeans. I much prefer bootcut jeans. They suit every body shape, they feel good, they look good and they look even better with heels. What's not to like? But I literally could not believe my eyes on Friday night. Every single shop I went to seemed to sell only skinny jeans. Topshop used to have a great range of jeans called Moto, but these now only come in the skinny variety. I went to Levi's, but the only jeans they had that weren't skinny were those weird engineered things that look like you're wearing them backwards and that really aren't comfortable.

I even went to Miss Sixty. I clung tightly onto my wallet to try to stop my credit card from shrieking like an idiot and proceeded to try on pair after pair of jeans that cost upwards of £150. And I was prepared to buy them if they looked nice! Honest! And I have a major, MAJOR problem with paying that much money for ANY item of clothing, let alone a pair of jeans. But I was willing to do it, if they had nice jeans.

Luckily for me they didn't. Even their so-called bootcut jeans were suspiciously skinny-like, making my legs look all weird and shrunken (I don't know why but skinny jeans make my legs look short, even though they're actually fairly long). I was beginning to think I'd have to just buy a tracksuit and live in that instead.

And then I remembered that last bastion of good jeans - the Gap. Now, most clothes at the Gap are way too preppy for me, and as such I never shop there. But I remember buying a fantastic pair of jeans there a few years ago, which I still wear and love and which seem to get better with age, and so I thought I'd give it a try. I walked through the door (thankfully absent was the perky sales clerk who just really, really wants to help you - that shit don't go down in Manchester), and made my way to the jeans section. My heart sank. Right in front of me, flipping the bird and sticking it's tongue out at me was a big pile of skinny jeans.

I fell to my knees, raised my fist and my face skywards and shouted "Nooooooooooooooooooo! Not you too! Not the Gap!!!"

Actually, come to think of it, what I did instead was turn on my heel and made to march out, disgusted. And then I saw them. Tucked away in the corner. Bootcut jeans. Proper actual bootcut jeans! And there was much rejoicing!

I tried them on and they were perfect! I'm in love with them. I was tempted to buy ten pairs right there and then, but then regained my composure and pranced up to the till with my treasure. And as soon as I get paid on Monday I'm going to go back and buy another pair.

Gap - I should never have doubted you. I heart you.

And thus ended another successful adventure.

Another Kate Moss rant

I've been a bad blogger. I haven't been blogging very much at all recently.

Now, despite what you may think, I'm not doing this to fuck with your head. I'm not like those insecure men you read about who surreptitiously place nicotine patches on your back while you sleep so that you develop a craving whenever he's not around and associate that craving with being around him and thus start to think that you're addicted to him and consequently he must be The One. What? That's never happened to you?

Oh.

Anyway, I've actually been spending most of my time travelling to meetings and client sites (the oil refinery at Grimbsy the week before last, Belfast and London last week, off to Edinburgh today and then back to the refinery at Grimsby for tomorrow and Thursday - glamourous, eh?) which makes it somewhat difficult to whip out the laptop for a weekly dose of celebrity bashing. And, in between all this work, I've been crippled with writer's block.

The good news is that the 'block has finally been kicked to the curb. Thank you to all who sent suggestions and good wishes. The combination of your positive vibes, a serious hangover, too many cups of coffee and copious amounts of reading has kickstarted my brain, and last night I wrote with a zeal I haven't felt in quite some time. I doff my hat to all of you, and to Mr. Coffee of course.

Now, despite the fact that I've been up to my eyes with work recently, I've noticed that I'm being bombarded with images and hype about one particular person everywhere I turn, and I honestly cannot see what all the fuss is about. So, let's put it to the vote.

Ladies and gents, I give you:

Kate Moss

For those of you who don't know who she is (and, seriously, what rock have you been living under for the past twenty years or so?), Kate is a British model, famous for all the wrong reasons it would seem. In the early 90's, she was the icon of heroin chic. At a skinny 5'6", she was lauded as the anti-supermodel - the exact opposite of the supermodels of the time, such as Cindy Crawford and Claudia Schiffer. More recently, Kate's been hitting the headlines for being captured on camera snorting cocaine, and for hanging off the arm of the talentless super-minger, otherwise known as Pete Doherty. After losing most of her modelling contracts in the wake of the publication of the coke pictures, Kate has made an admittedly spectacular comeback, and this week launched a range of clothes she designed all by herself for Topshop, one of the leading trendy shops in the UK. [Source 1, Source 2]

Which is why she's currently being splashed all over our TV screens and magazine and newspaper pages.

Personally, I haven't bought any of Kate's Topshop stuff, nor have I tried to. In fact, other than what I've seen in the newspapers, I don't actually know anything about "The Collection", because I really don't give a rat's ass. How and ever, what does bother me is the fucking maelstrom of publicity that has fashion victims whipped into a frenzy in anticipation of getting their grubby mitts on some of these clothes. I know I'm not the most stylish person in the world, and my my fashion sense could be described as "lazy" at best, but I do like to flick through the glossy mags every now and then, and I have to say that I really don't see how or why Kate has been labelled as a fashion icon, or "the most stylish woman on the planet". I don't think the girl is even particularly good looking, and I certainly wouldn't wear clothes designed by someone who dates a man like this:

The man is wearing a vest held together with a safety pin, for cryin' out loud! And you just know he smells.... Ugh! Mind you, she's not much better - is that a gold lamé waistcoat?

Anyhoo, of course us non-fashion victims will get the last laugh because not only are the sheep paying upwards of £40 on eBay for a sold-out Kate Moss designed-vest that cost £12 in Topshop, but by this weekend, those who actually managed to get their hands on some of the clothes will all step out wearing their new garb, looking like little Kate Moss clones. Anyone in England who walks into a bar on Friday or Saturday night is going to be greeted with the sight of probably half the women all wearing the exact same clothes. Morons!

So, if you're still reading this (and I do apologise for that mini-rant - I had to get it off my chest!), what do you think? Take a look at these pics, and tell me whether you think she deserves the "fashion icon" lable she's been given?