And by "combine harvester" I mean, of course, computer.
Oh, how the geek in me rejoiced when I saw a brand spanking shiny new computer in my office this morning!
There it was, all sleek and black, sitting nonchalantly on my desk, smoking a cigarette and rolling dice with the desk lamp. It glanced up in my direction, giving me a "What the fuck do you want?" look, but I saw the quick little quiver of anticipation run down it's smooth outer casing. It was waiting, nay, begging for me to switch it on so it could impress me with its sexy moves and ultra-fast processor.
I sat down, inhaling the scent of new. I reached over, my finger hovering just above the power button, and paused. I wanted to remember this moment. The moment my life changed for the better.
"C'mon," my new computer chided me. "Press the damn button already!"
Unable to wait any longer, I rudely pushed the button in, and just like that, I had popped my new computer's cherry. And, just like my own cherry-popping, this computer gave me everything I had ever imagined, and more. Gorgeous new Windows Vista (borrowing very heavily from Mac OSX - I don't care what the developers say to the contrary) loaded up in seconds. It's full of little features but, rather than being really, really, really frickin annoying like some Microsoft features I can think of...
...these features are actually quite cool. There's the funky big clock in the corner, the sexy semi-opaque windows (yes, I know I just called a computer programme "sexy", but damnit, it is!) and this brilliant little button that slants all the windows and allows you to toggle between them!
Alt+Tab begone!
But enough about Windows. My new computer is faster than a speeding bullet. The programmes open almost before I've even clicked on the icon. This computer can do everything. It sounds better, it looks better, and it shuts down within seconds. It even made me a cup of coffee at 11:00!
It was all I could do not to salivate over the keyboard as the pre-historic company email programme, which has been known to take three whole minutes to open (and that's a long time when you're sitting there, watching it), loaded up in ten seconds.
I don't know what's inside this computer, but whatever it is it purrs like a panther.
As I drooled and stroked and personalised my new machine, I heard a wheezy groan from the corner of my office. Turning around, my past stared rudely into my face in the shape of my ex-computer. There it was, glaring at me with all manner of accusations in its eyes, like a jilted bride, still wearing the rags of her dirty old wedding gown, as she walks in to see you with your hand up the dress of the prettier, younger, skinnier bridesmaid.
"What?" I said.
My ex-computer just stared at me.
"I... I... It's not what you think! It's not you... it's just... that... I needed something... faster! I'm sorry!"
My voice rang hollow in my ears.
My ex-computer said nothing, but in that single moment of rejection, I saw the last gleam of life die in its eyes. The guilt threatened to tear me apart. We'd been together for over a year. We'd been through good times and bad, through difficult projects and through whimsical brainstorming sessions. It was with this machine that I first discovered MySpace... So many memories.
Then my new computer purred again.
And, just like that, the guilt vanished. The ex-computer was forgotten.
Fuck it, I almost threw the bloody thing through the window yesterday anyway.
Out with the old and in with the new! From now on, it's onwards and upwards! And twirling! Always twirling!
I heart my new computer!
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