Thursday 30 August 2007

Testing the limits

Everyone has their limits.

No matter how careless or reckless or feckless you like to think you are, you have limits. Everyone has a price and everyone has that one thing that they Just. Won't. Do.

And nowhere is this more evident than in relationships. Interestingly, there are limits both at the beginning and the end of the relationship. At the beginning, when you start seeing somebody for the first time, you test these limits to see if the person is a match.

It starts off innocently enough - you might start enquiring about the books they read or the films they watch or the music they listen to or even the type of car they drive or the job they do. And, consciously or not, you set your limits.

Ok, he's a Star Trek fan, but he doesn't own an actual Trekkie uniform or a pair of Spock ears, so he can live. Hmm.... she reads Harry Potter, but she doesn't queue up around the block to get the latest book nor has she tattooed that stupid lightening bolt onto her head, so that's ok. Crap... he has a Phil Collins album but, wait! It's only because Phil used to be in Genesis, so that's kind of cool, so I'll still go for a drink with him tonight. Yikes... is that her Mini parked outside? Wait, you know, it's a classic car and she keeps it in mint condition, so it's ok in a retro kind of way. WTF? He's an accountant? Um... well.... eh..... it means that..... um.... he'll never be out of a job...? (really pushing those limits here)...

If all goes well, the focus of the testing will eventually shift to making the beast with two backs. Again, you can test the waters by sussing out their ability to kiss. As before, you will have set your limits which will determine whether the kisser gets to go any further. If your date suddenly lunges at you, mouth wide open, tongue already churning like a sloppy washing machine, chances are you won't want to get jiggy with them either later that night or indeed any time in the future even if they were the last person on earth and you were just gagging for the ride, thank you very much. Some people may not be great kissers but not entirely horrible either and you might be willing to flex those limits and give them a chance to see if they have any other talents that may make up for it. After all, maybe you could teach them to be a better kisser?

So, assuming they don't kiss you as though they're attempting to imitate a washing machine or a vaccuum cleaner or some other household gadget, you (hopefully) find yourself in bed with them doing the bold thing. Again, your limits will determine when this happens - it may be the same night, it may be three nights later, it may be three months later. Some people set their limits according to whatever tripe is being spewed at them from magazines or television programmes or know-it-all friends ("Don't sleep with him on the first date, you slut!!" or "It's been two weeks and you haven't shagged him yet?? What's wrong with you, you frigid cow?!" and so on and so forth ad nauseum), and other people set their limits according to when it feels right for them.

Anyhoo, at some point or another you will find yourself in the sack. And limits come in to play big time here. Some people are afraid to test the limits, and so they hold back for fear of offending or upsetting or giving the wrong message.

If I suggest we swing from the chandelier, he might think I'm some sort of nympho slut so instead I'll just lie here like a sack of spuds and make the odd moan like I'm enjoying it and he'll still respect me in the morning, right? Right?!?

Others will push it (the limit!) as far as they can (oooer missus!) to see what they can get away with.

I'll start by licking her ear and stroking her arm and move onto licking my way down and sucking lightly at her neck as I push my finger in there and oh, she didn't like that, ok, so I'll just move back up here, mmm.... boobs, wonder what would happen if I pinched them? Whoops, ok not a fan of that, maybe if I suggest tying her up, oooh, she seems to like that, and now I'll spank her ass and pull her hair and I wonder what she'd think if I told her I fancied a threesome with her sister... Ouch! She just kneed me in the balls!

And on it goes. More often than not, you'll spend the first delicious few days/weeks/months/years testing and teasing and discovering each other's limits and, hopefully, you'll find a happy medium just on the edge of your limits - pushing them ever so slightly to keep it interesting, but not so much that you feel uncomfortable.

But what happens if your limits change? What happens if your intended no longer does it for you? What if you start becoming a bit curious about that threesome, maybe not with your sister, but with some hot friend of his, but your man won't even consider the idea? What if it's something a lot tamer like maybe trying a bit of dressing up or role playing in the bedroom, but your lady thinks you're some sort of freak for even thinking about it?

Or it could go the other way, which is probably a much more common situation. Some day you wake up and your limits have become a lot narrower. Those little things that your partner does that you used to find endearing, or at least tolerable, start to really grate on your nerves.

The way he blows his nose and inspects the tissue afterwards... The way she corrects you in front of friends... The way he scruches up his face when trying to make that corner pocket on the pool table... The way she cooks spagetti so it's always slightly soggy and NEVER holds the sauce properly...

You may try to reset your limits; tell yourself that you're just being silly or over-sensitive or just having a bad day. But, eventually, you snap. You decide that you can't put up with this crap anymore and how can they not know how damn annoying they're being when they tap that frickin' pen over and over again when I'm trying to watch Who Wants to be a Millionaire?!

And so you dump their sorry ass.

And you spend a bit of time getting drunk and flirting with strangers and re-evaluating your limits (boundaries/values/whatevs) in your head.

And then one night you meet someone in a bar and you start chatting about your favourite films and he says his is "Apocalypse Now" and you say "Me too!" and he says "Have you seen the Redux version?" and you say "Yeah! I loved it so much I bought it on DVD!" and then you both say "Charlie don't surf!" and you smile and he offers to buy you a drink and you start over again.

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