Dear Mr. Driver

Dear Mr. Driver,

You are probably already aware of this, being the all-knowing knobjockey that you are, but I thought I'd state it here again just for kicks:

Tailgating me will NOT make me go any faster. Ever. As a matter of fact, just to annoy you, I'll probably slow down and start tapping my brakes randomly in the hope that I'll see your head explode with frustration in my rearviewmirror.

Yes, I know you drive a much bigger car than me. Well done. I'm sure your wife/girlfriend/bum chum is only delighted that you've compensated for your tiny penis and general lack of ability in the bedroom by buying a car that resembles a small tank. I, however, don't have a penis and thus I don't feel the need to drive a big car, nor do I feel the need to prove to all those anonymous people on the motorway that I can drive at 100 miles per hour for I am KING OF THE ROAD! RAWRRR!!!

You see, I actually believe in fuel efficiency and whatnot, and that's why I drive at a steady 65mph most of the time. Which is also the reason why I drive in the slow lane whenever possible. But, ocasionally, there are cars or trucks out there that are actually driving slower than me. I know! Crazy, isn't it! Must be a granny driver or something. Anyway, on ocassions like these I actually have to overtake these vehicles, and so I have to pull into the middle lane. But fear not, King of the Road, for there is a third lane that you can use to pass me out and leave me quaking in your dust and petrol fumes. This is not a race track. You do not get points for driving on top of me. Use your common sense, have some manners and use the fast lane.

Oh, and whilst you're passing me out in that third lane, don't flash your fucking lights at me. I know I'm driving slower than you. And I know that it's majorly inconvenient for you to have to overtake me. But you know what? I don't give a fucking rats ass, and if you flash your lights at me, I'll flip the bird right back atcha.

Now, there have also been moments when both the slow lane AND the middle lane are chock full of cars that are driving slower than me! Yeah, I know! Must be a fucking Sunday, right?

Anyhoo, this means that I have to pull into the fast lane whilst I pass these dinosaurs out. Yet again, if you've been thundering up the fast lane for three minutes now, you should have seen me pull into your lane to overtake. So, you know what, you really should know that, as soon as I've overtaken I'll pull back out of your way. Driving so close to me that all I can see in my rearview mirror is the front grill of your stupid-looking SUV is neither intimidating nor is going to make me put the pedal to the metal. You're just going to have to wait, aren't ya? And, like I said before, if you start flashing your lights or any of that other nonsense, I'll slow right down so you'll be stuck behind me forever. Have a little patience, and you'll be on your way before you can say "Back the fuck off buddy!"

And, finally, if you're on a slip road either coming on or off the motorway, driving on my ass is one of the worst things you can do. Slip roads are not meant to be driven at 90mph, mostly because they tend to be quite bendy and, even though I know you THINK you're God, you're actually not, and you, just like me, have no idea what's around that corner. Remember this morning when you were up on my ass all the way round that bend, trying to make me go fast than the 50mph I was already doing? And remember when I saw that big oil patch and slowed down to 40mph because the road was already wet? And remember when we went 'round the corner and saw that woman who's car was embedded in the ditch because she'd obviously just skidded in the oil? And remember how we had to swerve to avoid her car? Well, my fucktacular friend, if you'd been in front doing your 90mph stunt, you would have whalloped straight into that car, and probably into that woman, probably killing both of you instantly. So really, I saved your life this morning. You're welcome.

I won't do it next time.

Kindest regards,
The girl with her middle finger extended in the car behind you.