Buenos días!

Tomorrow I'm jetting off to sunny Spain for my holidays. This time tomorrow, I'll be lying under the hot Spanish sun, drink in one hand, book in the other, maybe some music playing in the background. If it gets too hot, I might take a dip in the villa's private pool, or I might walk down to the beach and go for a swim there. I'll have to see how I feel at the time.

Now, as you know or have probably guessed, I'm not a girlie-girl, and I don't get up at 6am to spend three hours blow-drying my hair into submission every morning. I'm pretty much a wash'n'go kind of person. But I do like to take some pride in my personal appearance, and thus I've had to spend almost a week getting ready for this damn holiday! Let me explain...

Monday - had to wax my bits. I will be spending most of my time in a bikini and, really, nobody wants to go on holiday with this:

So, the bits had to be waxed (which was, incidentally, excruciatingly painful, despite consuming a large glass of Pinot Grigio beforehand) and trimmed and moisturised and so on.

Tuesday - had to exfoliate and moisturise all over in preparation for Wednesday.

Wednesday - the first application of fake tan. Now, because I'm Irish, I'm ridiculously pale. To the point where strangers in cafés and on the street often poke me in the eye to see if I am actually still alive. If I went to the beach sans fake tan, airplanes would crash into each other because the pilots would be blinded by the glare from the sun on my bare, Irish skin. Because I'm such a humanitarian, and to avoid worldwide catastrophe, I apply fake tan.

For years, fake tan has been crap. It's been orange and streaky and smelly and horrible. But, the scientists who couldn't get jobs in real labs curing cancer and whatnot, and who, instead, have to work for the cosmetics overlords developing fake tan and the like, have finally gotten it right. There is no reason in this big and beautiful world why fake tan can't look natural. There is no reason in the world that anybody should be this orange:

Now, I admit that I've gotten it wrong on a couple of occasions before. My tan has gone streaky or hasn't turned out quite like I imagined it would (I was hoping for bronze goddess but instead got jaundice sufferer). The one time I had my tan done professionally, the girl fucked it up royally, and I just looked dirty, as Mozz can attest to. And not in a good way. Incidentally, this was at the same place where I had my bits waxed three days previously, and they royally fucked that up too, making it very painful for me to get it done from now on. I don't go there anymore :-/

Anyhoo, where was I? Oh yes. This time, I've done the waxing and the tanning myself and I have to say they both look pretty good. So...

Thursday - second application of fake tan. Because I'm so damn pale, one application makes me look somewhat human, but it takes two or three applications to make me look like I have a tan.

Friday - check all the hairy bits to make sure they're still hair free and apply final application of tan. I'll also deep condition my hair tonight to protect it from the sun, salt and chlorine during the week.

A consideration that all blondes must make is whether or not to get your hair done before you go away. In my case, it's usually not necessary. My hair is light enough naturally that a bit of sun tends to bleach it enough to avoid a trip to the hairdressers for a few months afterwards. But, if you do decide to get the colour topped up, then you need to get it done about a week before your holiday. Otherwise, you run the risk of the chlorine in the swimming pool reacting with the colour in your hair and turning it green. And remember girls, a dodgy tan plus a dodgy 'do plus copious amounts of chlorine equals...

And that's just not attractive.

However, all these things have now been done and I am holiday ready! My suitcase checklist has been completed:

- bikini (x2)
- books (x6)
- camera
- suncream

Here's hoping I can get through the rest of the day without having to actually do any work, but still looking busy enough so that the boss will feel guilty and let me go home at 3pm!

Hasta la vista, amigos!