Usually, I spend my hour and a half morning bus commute engrossed in some book or other, trying in vain to ignore the other plebs on the bus, whilst holding a scented handkerchief over my nose in an attempt to block out the nauseating smells of modern humanity. I suppose it's my own fault for spending all my money on scented handkerchiefs instead of a car.
However, now and again I look up and gaze out the filth-encrusted window at this most beloved shitty-city, and ponder upon the objects that meet my gaze.
And I've noticed that, we are indeed a society of thicks. Below I present my exhibits, observed in England and Ireland over the past few months.
Exhibit A
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On the Dublin Bus regulatory signage displayed on all buses: "Dublin Bus Bye-Laws".
Now, I'm pretty sure that should be spelt 'By-Laws'. That's how it is spelt in every other country I've been to, and in fact, in this, our very own country too, by people who actually give a damn.
Exhibit B
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On a sign in a pharmacy window: "Form-ily known as".
That's not even spelt phonetically, for Christ's sake!
Exhibit C
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On a factory sign: "Shoe's! Shoe's! Shoe's!"
Sweet Jeebus, are they serious?
Now, I understand that the people who commission these signs probably don't care too much, or don't even realise that these shoddy signs make their company look foolish in the eyes of sophisticates like myself. But, it saddens me to think that the people who make the signs care so little about their work that they have no idea how dismal their spelling and grammar is. I mean, if you're going to start up a company that makes signs for other companies, wouldn't you at least ensure that the monkeys you hired to work for you can spell?!? That they have at least a tenuous grasp of grammar?!?!?! I would, but perhaps that's because I've been cursed with a conscience.
I thought text speak was going to be the downfall of society. This whole business of dropping vowels simply so you can cram more shit about the pizza-faced boy you snogged last night into your text to Trayyyyceeeeee. And I feared for the future of our society and our children and our English exams. But, it seems that my worst nightmare has already come true, and the thicks are already taking over.
As an English graduate, I'm horribly offended by this visual sodomy.
But that's nothing compared to the "witty" church signs I've seen ALL OVER THE DAMN PLACE! Back to my exhibits:
Exhibit D
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"C h c h - What's missing? r u?"
Goddamn you!
Exhibit E
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"Feeling down in the mouth? Come in for a faith lift!"
I hope you burn in hell.
Exhibit F
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"Jesus the carpenter is looking for joiners"
Grrrrrrrrr!
What the hell is this all about? Church isn't "witty"! Church isn't "hip", or "with it"! Church doesn't even know what "it" is, for cryin' out loud! Churches are not groovy, fun places for the kids to hang out instead of doing their homework. So why are they trying to pretend they are? I can just imagine the local vicar looking up at the sign, rubbing his hands together and thinking "That'll convince the heathen bastards to come to mass!"
Silly buggers.
'Course, my favourite sign is the one that said "Long-haired freaky people need not apply". Damn right!
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