Dinnertime Dilemma

Last Tuesday, I was working in Southampton, and went out for dinner by myself that evening, having successfully ditched the boss. I found a lovely little restaurant down a side street - trendy enough to make me feel "with it", but not so trendy that the other diners would cotton on to the fact that I have no idea what "it" is.

I was seated and perused the wine list, pretending that I knew what I was looking at. My beau is the one with the wine knowledge (he used to work in the wine trade), and I always think we're like the two guys from "Sideways". Whenever we order wine, he sloshes and sniffs and samples and speculates about the bouquet and chocolate or berry notes. I take a big slug and announce: "I dunno. It tastes good to me."

Anyway, I ordered a glass of white to go with the pan-fried garlic chicken (hey, I was working so I knew I wasn't going to get lucky that night anyway!) and vegetables. The wine was nicely chilled and complemented the food beautifully. The food itself was fit for a king.

Now, when I had set out earlier in the night, I didn't bring any cash with me. I rarely carry cash anymore, as everything can be paid for with plastic nowadays. And, as I was on a businnes trip, I knew I'd be using my little flexible business friend to pay for the meal. And I knew there'd be one of two opportunities for me to pay a tip using my credit card - either the waiter would bring me a credit card slip with a little box for me to add the tip, or he'd bring me one of those electronic gizmos that let's me add the tip before putting in my pin.

There was neither.

The waiter brought the bill, but there was only a box for me to sign my name. Nothing about adding a tip.

I started to panic.

I had no cash. Nothing. Not a penny.

What if the waiter realises that I haven't left a tip before I get out of the restaurant, and blocks my way, demanding that I pay the value of the tip by washing dishes or something? What if he realises just after I slip out of the restaurant, and follows me down the street shouting derogatory comments about my financial situation? What if he........... oh god, here he comes.

The waiter picked up my signed bill with a graceful smile, and swept away from the table. I grabbed my coat and turned around, ready to bolt out of the restaurant. I ran straight into the waiter, who was hovering nearby. Shit! He glanced at the table, suspiciously sans tip, then gives me the filthiest look a strange man has ever given me.

I thought: "I've got three choices here - either I go bright red, and mutter an apology and slink out of the restauarant, thereby confirming his opinion that I'm a penny-pinching git, or I act as though the meal was disgusting and the service was crap and that I wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire and that I certainly would not leave him a tip, or I act as though I have left a tip making him wonder if he didn't see it, or if it had fallen down the side of the table or something".

I did the latter. I gave him the cheesiest smile I posess, thanked him profusely for the dinner again, and sashayed out of the restaurant.

And I chuckled all the way back to the hotel at the baffled look on his face, and the thought of him on his knees searching all around the table for the non-existent tip.

I'm going to hell for that one.